Jun 21

Type-O Dong

I love how America’s response to a dog-n-pony show regarding a possible test launch for a nonfunctioning nuclear missile that can’t hit America was to … have a dog-n-pony show with a fake test/startup of our nonfunctioning antiballistic missile system that can’t hit missiles (we get bonus points for Best! Bluff! Evaaar! with the headline: ‘U.S. weighs shootdown of N. Korea missile‘. Hahahah! We can’t hit stationary shit much less a moving target!).

Now the Bushies are speaking Kim’s language! Who needs tripartite talks when you’ve got two propaganda-addicted buffoons who can shout at each other?

Dr. Strangelove would be proud

Look, State-sponsored anything isn’t the worry. Kim may be “crazy” but he’s not suicidal. Any State knows that if they attack us with WMDs, and we can trace it back to the State, then that State will be no more… because we will turn them into a glass-paved parking lot.

As such, the NMD is a huge fucking waste of money. How about we divert money from this boondoggle into, you know, guarding our ports. Or feeding the poor and hungry. Or educating our kids. Stuff like that. Whaddya say?

Jun 21

Idiotarian rightwing torturgasmic choads

Hello, boys and girls! Are you worried that you might be retarded? Have you begun to question your sanity, or your grip on life?

If so, here are some of the signs to look for:

  1. Do you hold right wing view points?
  2. Do you ever actually think about the dribbling bile that came in through your ear and comes out of your mouth?
  3. Do you display a complete lack of capacity in the fields of logic, reason, and morality?
  4. Is your name Michael Smerconish?

If you have been

This post was spurred by the first few minutes of last night’s Scarborough Country, which I happened to catch because it was on a few minutes after Olberman. This having television thing does have its drawbacks. I think I lost 20 IQ points just in the first 30 seconds.

Thanks for being here. I‘m Michael Smerconish, in again tonight for the big guy, who‘s still feeling under the weather. We start with new details in the brutal murder of two American soldiers in Iraq. In a moment, reaction right here in studio from an American hero and one of the most recognizable faces of the Iraq war. He‘s going to tell us firsthand what a hellish nightmare Iraq can be.

But first: A militant Islamic Web site claims the new leader of al Qaeda in Iraq personally carried out the killings of two soldiers found dead in Baghdad last night. Those bodies showed signs of torture. They were killed in a, quote, “barbaric” way, and American troops had to literally fight their way to the bodies, which were booby-trapped with explosives.

It‘s a horrific story, and as I watch it unfold, I have to ask myself where are the people who worked themselves into a lather about the naked pyramid pictures at Abu Ghraib or those who wanted trials at The Hague because we played Christina Aguilera music a bit too loud for the detainees down at Gitmo. Tonight in America, some are no doubt sitting in barcaloungers kvetching over which American soldiers will next be put on trial for alleged war atrocities, and meanwhile, these dirtbags—they‘re thinking about whose head they want to chop off next.

The stupid! It burnnnnns!

I’m going to try and outline the logic here. If space-time folds upon itself and we all die, then, well… oops.

  1. We invade a country, we torture the prisoners we capture
  2. Moral persons “moonbat lefties” criticize this torture
  3. Criticism == Dissent
  4. Dissent == Treason
  5. Treason == barcalounger. Also, kvetching
  6. Therefore, the lefties should quit complaining about torture. Or they might lose their barcalounger. And why do you hate America?
  7. ???
  8. Profit!

The thing that never fails to amaze me is the hypocrisy of these flip flopping authoritarian bedwetters. Here’s the actual structure of the arguments on the table:

    Moral persons Moonbat Lefties:

  1. Torture is wrong (morally and legally)
  2. Torture is ineffectual
  3. Therefore, torture should not be practiced.

And thus, the depraved, brutal torture and killing of two of our soldiers is wrong, just as we were are wrong to be torturing our prisoners. What the fascist bullies miss is that because we tortured them, we have no moral authority to condemn them when they torture us. This is why we are a signatory to the Geneva Conventions and why we used to follow them; they are as much about protecting us as they are about protecting Them.

    Smeghead logic:

  1. We tortured them
  2. They tortured us (and want to kill us)
  3. Therefore, torture is justified

The position of the Just has been consistent: torture is wrong, no matter who is doing it. For the hypocrites of the right, torture is only bad if it’s the other guy who’s doing it.

Who’s the relativst flip-floppers now, bitches?

As a rejoinder appropriate to the idiotarian’s level, I present to you…
Separated at Birth?
The Smerconehead

Jun 20

Maybe Baghdad Bob wasn’t insane after all

I was thinking today of the good times back in aught-3, when we had crazy ‘ol Baghdad Bob (Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf) spouting off those totally off the wall and hilarious things. Real knee slappers. Then I went back to read some of the quotes.

Baghdad Bob

“We will kill them all……..most of them.”

Ahahah! So fun-nee!

“We will welcome them with bullets and shoes.”

“They are superpower of villains. They are superpower of Al Capone.”

Hey, wait a min-

“Washington has thrown their soldiers on the fire”

“I speak better English than this villain Bush”

“These [Bush, Rumsfeld] cowards have no morals. They have no shame about lying”

Now just a –

“That bastard the American Minister of Defense Rumsfeld, and I won’t say shamelessly, because they don’t know what shame means. These are criminals. The whole word can hear the warning sirens. This criminal sitting in the White House is a pathetic criminal and his Defense Minister deserves to be beaten. These criminals lie to the world because they are criminals by nature and conditioning. They consider this a military site! Shame on you! You will forever be shamed! You have ruined the reputation of the American people in the most terrible way! Shame on you! And we will destroy you!”

“They (the U.S.) are deceiving their soldiers and their officers that aggressing against Iraq and invading Iraq will be like a picnic. This is a very stupid lie they are telling their soldiers, what they are facing is a definite death.”

“The shock has backfired on them. They are shocked because of what they have seen. No one received them with roses. They were received with bombs, shoes and bullets. Now, the game has been exposed. Awe will backfire on them. This is the boa snake. We will extend it further and cut it the appropriate way.”

“Bush is a very stupid man. The American people are not stupid, they are very clever. I can’t understand how such clever people came to elect such a stupid president.”

“Iraq will spread them even more and chop them up.”

“We have placed them in a quagmire from which they can never emerge except dead”

Damn. Turns out, he was more prescient than anyone ever dreamed (particularly if you abstract “they” to America and American power (actual, projected, and moral)).

Jun 20

And you thought traffic was bad before

Transportation officials say 520 bridge in jeopardy

The aging Evergreen Point floating bridge across Lake Washington needs to be replaced soon, officials said after a weekend inspection of the span.

“This bridge is in jeopardy. This bridge is aging. This bridge needs to be replaced,” said Dave Dye, urban corridors administrator with the Washington state Department of Transportation, in a tour with politicians, media and community members.

More than 6,000 feet of cracks in the walls of the bridge were the most obvious signs that the structure, now in its fifth decade, is reaching the end of its useful life.

Hahahahaaa…. suck it, eastsiders!

Jun 20

Bill O’Reilly hearts Saddam

I love it when right wing blowhards just come out and admit their admiration for despotism. And by “love it” I mean “deserve a cockpunch for.”

O’REILLY: So because — what you have here now is a tipping point in history. A tipping point in history. So you have to win the Iraq situation. Now, to me, they’re not fighting it hard enough. See, if I’m president, I’ve got probably another 50-60,000 with orders to shoot on sight anybody violating curfews. Shoot ’em on sight. That’s me. President O’Reilly, curfew in Ramadi, 7 o’clock at night. You’re on the street, you’re dead. I shoot you right between the eyes. OK?

That’s how I’d run that country — just like Saddam ran it. Saddam didn’t have explosions. He didn’t have bombers, did he? Because if you got out of line, you’re dead.

But of course, if you didn’t support the Iraq war, you hated freedom Freedom and America. Because Saddam was BAD! Bad bad bad!

… But boy he really kept those trains running on time, didn’t he?

Jun 20

Just when you thought you couldn’t be angrier

Ron Suskind comes out with his new book, The One Percent Solution. It looks to be an interesting and important book… which will be completely ignored by the punditocracy and the American public, of course, but it deserves a look.

Synopsis of the below: pursuant to Bush’s orders, we tortured a mentally ill travel agent for al Qaida, because the preznit called him a “top operative” and didn’t want to “lose face.”

One example out of many comes in Ron Suskind’s gripping narrative of what the White House has celebrated as one of the war’s major victories: the capture of Abu Zubaydah in Pakistan in March 2002. Described as al-Qaeda’s chief of operations even after U.S. and Pakistani forces kicked down his door in Faisalabad, the Saudi-born jihadist was the first al-Qaeda detainee to be shipped to a secret prison abroad. Suskind shatters the official story line here.

Abu Zubaydah, his captors discovered, turned out to be mentally ill and nothing like the pivotal figure they supposed him to be. CIA and FBI analysts, poring over a diary he kept for more than a decade, found entries “in the voice of three people: Hani 1, Hani 2, and Hani 3” — a boy, a young man and a middle-aged alter ego. All three recorded in numbing detail “what people ate, or wore, or trifling things they said.” Dan Coleman, then the FBI’s top al-Qaeda analyst, told a senior bureau official, “This guy is insane, certifiable, split personality.”

Abu Zubaydah also appeared to know nothing about terrorist operations; rather, he was al-Qaeda’s go-to guy for minor logistics — travel for wives and children and the like. That judgment was “echoed at the top of CIA and was, of course, briefed to the President and Vice President,” Suskind writes. And yet somehow, in a speech delivered two weeks later, President Bush portrayed Abu Zubaydah as “one of the top operatives plotting and planning death and destruction on the United States.” And over the months to come, under White House and Justice Department direction, the CIA would make him its first test subject for harsh interrogation techniques.

Which brings us back to the unbalanced Abu Zubaydah. “I said he was important,” Bush reportedly told Tenet at one of their daily meetings. “You’re not going to let me lose face on this, are you?” “No sir, Mr. President,” Tenet replied. Bush “was fixated on how to get Zubaydah to tell us the truth,” Suskind writes, and he asked one briefer, “Do some of these harsh methods really work?” Interrogators did their best to find out, Suskind reports. They strapped Abu Zubaydah to a water-board, which reproduces the agony of drowning. They threatened him with certain death. They withheld medication. They bombarded him with deafening noise and harsh lights, depriving him of sleep. Under that duress, he began to speak of plots of every variety — against shopping malls, banks, supermarkets, water systems, nuclear plants, apartment buildings, the Brooklyn Bridge, the Statue of Liberty. With each new tale, “thousands of uniformed men and women raced in a panic to each . . . target.” And so, Suskind writes, “the United States would torture a mentally disturbed man and then leap, screaming, at every word he uttered.”

I want to repeat and restate what we just read because I’m having trouble coming to grips with it.

We captured an al Qaida functionary. The guy, Abu Zubaydah, is (and was) mentally ill. His function was to do minor administrative tasks. Like make travel plans for wives of al Qaida people.

Bush called him “one of the top operatives plotting and planning death and destruction on the United States” knowing that this was a lie, because the CIA and FBI had told him the dude was a consierge (not consiglieri!).

Bush personally approved the illegal (also immoral, inhuman, and inexcusable) torture of Zubaydah after learning he was mentally ill and knowing that he was not an important cog in the machine, because Bush had called him a “top operative” in order to not “lose face.”

Under torture, Zubaydah, who has at least three personalities in him, told about all sorts of “plots.” Including ones against shopping malls, the Statue of Liberty, and your trash can. Or maybe your mailbox. Depends on what Hami3 had for lunch that day. We then wasted resources “protecting” these places from “credible threats,” and, not coincidentally, scaring the populace and increasing their bedwetting/need for paternalist figure feelings for domestic elections.

Impeach George W. Bush. Impeach him now.

Update Wolcott, of course, summarizes the issue best:

The Bush Doctrine

…torturing the mentally ill.

…hiring the intellectually handicapped.

Update 2: Froomkin has more in The Cheney Supremacy

Jun 19

Welcome, Dear Readers

from that other site which shall not be named. I can think of no better way to inaugurate this site than than with a video of seemingly drunk (and bitter) Connie Chung singing “Thanks for the memories” on the final broadcast of the Maury & Connie show.

The clip is, not to put too fine a point on it, totally fuckin awesome.

I could try to explain it, but I think it’s better if you just experience the clip yourself. Now watch, and enjoy.

You’ve come a long way from the smart investigative reporter/Nixon questioner, baby.

Welcome to Grumpasaurus.com.

Jun 16

Hello, puny humans!

Bow before me, for I am Grumpasaurus!

Soon, mortals, I shall be stomping your puny little minds into a meatloaf-like feast for me and my adoring minions soon. But mainly for me. And more oatmeal-y than meatloaf-esque at that. With some brown sugar and a bit of butter. And definitely, absolutely, no raisins. There are no raisins in meatloaf!