Grumpasaurus.com

but Kevin Smith totally stole my life

That being said, UCLA has brought me on as a visiting professor this semester.

Naturally (or bizarrely, as some of my critics would point out), it’s in the School of Cinema and Television – a field I know a thing or two about (as I’ve watched many movies and TV shows). So, for the last month, I’ve been spearheading a class called “Sucks Less, with Kevin Smith”, in which we produce a weekly TV show entitled, ironically, “Sucks Less, with Kevin Smith”. It starts airing this Thursday on MtvU (the college-campus only arm of the Viacom-owned Music Television empire), as well as on MtvU.com and, in an uncharacteristic-for-me nod to what’s being called “new media”, also on the Amp’d Mobile Phone. This means we’re producing Episodes, Webisodes, and Mobisodes – which, while sounding ambitious as fuck, simply means we’re producing one show that airs on three different platforms. Eat your heart out, Dick Wolf.

Right on, Kev. He’s still my doppleganger:

“My tastes, for better or for worse, fall far outside the mainstream,” I argued. “And if I could write/create for the mainstream, I’d be a one of those successful filmmakers. So, really – you guys want someone else.”
“Yeah, but we like your sensibility.”
“But my sensibility isn’t in line with the masses.”
“What makes you say that?” I was asked.
“I’ll bet you’re tying to get Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson as hosts.”
“We are,” they replied.
“Okay. I’d rather see David Cross be the host. You’re voting for the most popular kids in class, I’m voting for the class genius. And there’s nothing wrong with your instincts; I just don’t share ‘em.”
“Fine. But there’s gotta be something you can do in the Mtv family. We’re edgy, too. Have you ever seen ‘Wonder Showzen’?”

See? Eerie.

The first bumper from his class:

OK, the more I watch Battlestar Galactica, the more I’m hating it. I just can’t get past the hackneyed, deus ex machina, by-the-numbers writing. It’s got a serious case of 24-itis. When ultra narcissist Gaius doesn’t turn in Cylons because it would be too much effort, you know the writing sucks. A real self-interested motivation would be to turn the Cylon in for the glory and life preservation. Not ratting out Boomer the second she leaves the room is dogshit writing and the next episode with Ellen is straight out of Jack Bauer bullshit plot twist 101.

OK, OK, I do like the recasting of the old Capt. Apollo as the new terrorist, Tom Zarek.

I may just have to write my own damn spec script for this show and show ‘em how it’s done, yo.

I’m finally getting around to watching the Battlestar Gallactica series, which many of my friends think is the bomb.

I really wish I could see what they see, because while it’s got some good moments, it’s far more miss than hit. The style is engaging on the surface, but the writing … dear, god, the writing! … is so hamhanded in certain episodes, I feel like they wrote the damn script in crayon.

Some of the characters are engaging, and the acting by Edward Olmos, Mary McDonnel, and sometimes Katee “Starbuck” Sackhoff (she’s no Amanda Tapping, though), James “Gaius” Callis, and Aaron “the Chief” Douglas is quite good. Tricia Helfer gets the best lines and she delivers them pretty well. Except for the overwrought faith v. reason bits. Really, enough with that god shit, please. I get that the Cylons are the religious fanatic terrorist allegory already. Also, I’m watching the first episode where she has to do more than be Gaias’ conscience and… she’s not doing so hot.

The rest of the acting is pretty abysmal, though. Grace Park? Astoundingly bad. I’ve seen high school acting better than her painful blocking and non-emoting (she’s great in minor lesbian french kissing scenes, though). Seriously, who cast her? She’s hot of course, but how she made it through auditions, I’ll never know. Maybe she works for scale.

As bad as the acting is, it pales in comparison to some of the dogshit episdoes. For example, “Litmus”, while I agree with the message they are attempting to convey, was as amateurish an effort as I’ve seen since that piece of shit Eragon. Other episodes are just as shoddy and as Litmus and their quality is getting worse. The dialogue is crap, the plot is filled with situations that are created for the writers’ convenience rather than emerging organically (not to mention the deus ex machina), and the illogical ridiculousness of the twists overwhelm what should be hip and cool.

Also, the Cylon CGI is cheap and cheesy. Why are they bipedal, anyway? And why the weird mix of actual physics with cliche’d WW2 dogfight moves? And enough with the shaky handcam already, please. Ye gods.

Whatever. What I’ve learned is that a moderately well executed series with some average-at-best looking guys and superhot women in positions of power will sell loads and loads of advertising.

Relax. I didn’t do it. Even when I wanted to step to it.

What I did do is come across this great video of a portion of a talk by a sorta-famous, pretty successful movie writer/director. Watching it made me realize something – in an alternate universe, my Hollywood career would not have been like Joss Whedon’s. No, he has far more warmth and humanity than do I, is less aggressive, and is a natural.

I would have, instead, been more like Kevin Smith. The foulmouthed suburban irreverent smartypants white boy, Kevin Smith. Clerks, Mallrats, Chasing Amy, Dogma. That guy. Fuckin-A, he’s a much better comp.

Here’s the video. Watching it, if you know me, you will, I’m sure, see many parallels. Humor, language, the asides. Well, except the part where I can’t tell a good story (and this one’s a good one. I was captured by it, anyway).

Seriously, though, listening to Smith is like hearing alterna-me. Only, you know, talented and shit. And I wouldn’t have cast Linda Fiorentino.

More proof: