A few things:

a) Luke Russert. Mmmm… nepotism. Look, I’m sorry his dad died, but Luke sucks, brings nothing to the table, and has horrible hair. Fuck this shit.

b) From the reaction, I’m preeeeeeetty sure Luke and the victory hookup had already hit it.

c) Nice job, Brian! That was the best scolding-slash-breakup inducing moment ever. Ev-er.

d) I totally love how the entire crowd runs away from Luke like he’s a oily little droplet in their bucket of water. The frustrated and lonely chagrin on Luke’s face is priceless. This is precisely how he would have been treated if his dad dad daddy-o weren’t Tim Russert. Looooove it.

Oh, and since I’ve been too busy with other things to post during this epochal event – Sarah, your God has done what’s right for America. Now STFU and get back to your low-grade tyrannical corruption.

That’s also the first indication I’ve seen that Thandie Newton can act.

No less than three members of the man’s family including one by sworn affidavit have claimed that Sarah Palin engaged in an extramarital affair with hus­band Todd’s former business partner, Brad Hanson.

These sources have named Hanson as Palin’s secret love, and say their affair nearly wrecked both their marriages.

Government officials handling billions of dollars in oil royalties improperly engaged in sex with employees of energy companies they were dealing with and received numerous gifts from them, federal investigators said Wednesday.

The alleged transgressions involve 13 former and current Interior Department employees in Denver and Washington. Their alleged improprieties include rigging contracts, working part-time as private oil consultants, and having sexual relationships with _ and accepting golf and ski trips and dinners from _ oil company employees, according to three reports released Wednesday by the Interior Department’s inspector general.

The investigations reveal a “culture of substance abuse and promiscuity” by a small group of individuals “wholly lacking in acceptance of or adherence to government ethical standards,” wrote Inspector General Earl E. Devaney. Devaney’s office spent more than two years and $5.3 million on the investigations.

Great work, creator o’ vid!

Jennifer Lopez is about to be spoofed in a new porn flick that takes obscene liberties with her hit song “Jenny From the Block.” The XXX flick, titled “J-Ho: Jenny on the [Rhymes with Block],” will be an adults-only parody of her career. Playing J.Ho will be Jasmine Byrne, a Lopez look-alike who previously starred in “Britney Rears 3″ and “Angels of Debauchery.” “I always loved . . . J.Lo, doing her singing and acting and . . . I jumped at the chance to do it,” gushed Byrne.

That I didn’t think of “Britney Rears” is bad enough, but that I wasn’t the first one to think of “J-Ho: Jenny on the Cock” is just criminal.

I’m sorry, my peoples. I have failed you.

Growing numbers of Japanese women are afflicted with an illness that gives them orgasms virtually 24 hours a day. And with suggestions that it could be deadly, the women hardly know whether they’re coming or going, according to Shukan Post (11/24).

“If a guy simply taps me on the shoulder, I just swoon. Even when I go to the toilet, my body reacts. I’m a little bit scared of myself,” one woman sufferer tells Shukan Post.

Another adds: “When I got on the train one day, I could feel blood gushing toward a certain part of my body and it felt so good I almost let out a moan. It was sheer murder when everybody got pushed into the carriage.”

Yet another woman has her say.

“Even the vibration of my mobile phone is enough to set me off,” she says. “My friend said there’s something called Iku Iku byo (Cum Cum Disease). I guess I’ve got that.”

I love this new entirely fictional “disease.” Note that this isn’t one of those wacky Japanese made up alien rape vine things either. No, no, no! This is American

PSAS has been described as an affliction that brings about orgasm through the slightest of jolts regardless of whether they’re aroused, or even thinking about sex. What’s more, orgasms experienced by PSAS sufferers are not just momentary phenomena, instead affecting women over anywhere from a few days to a week, with one reported case seeing 300 orgasms in a single day.

Awareness in Japan of PSAS — which was first documented by Dr. Sandra Leiblum in the United States five years ago — is growing, especially in the blogsphere, where it is being called Iku Iku byo.

Hear that ladies? That tingling sensation you get in your genitals when I look at you is not just a wonderful, everyday occurrence… it’s also a disease. And terrible disease that you really need to explore more fully, preferrably in my living room.

Dumped husband Kevin Federline has been touting the four-hour tape for sale and has already been offered £26 MILLION.
…
They did nothing all day but have sex—and play the odd game of chess.

Yes, that certainly would be an odd game of chess, what with BritBrit trying to eat the pawns and KFed wondering where the filter wire goes on the queen and all. Apparently BritBrit is worried that it will destroy her comeback or something and thinks she’s still a Disney product. Honey, there is no comeback for you outside of this tape. So you had sex with your husband? Big deal. Look how far Paris has milked one boring narcissistic tape. You Your handler’s can totally manage that.

Now, the story is that a male prostitute came forward and said that he had an ongoing 3 year relationship with evangelical Reverend Ted Haggard. This relationship included a lot of sex and, by the way, a bunch of crystal meth. There was an immediate statement of support from Haggard’s group (the National Association of Evangelicals, of which he is the president), that was then withdrawn and a press conference was cancelled, followed shortly thereafter by Haggard’s resignation. So we knew something was up.

… and now, here’s the denial:

The Rev. Ted Haggard admitted Friday he bought methamphetamine and received a massage from a gay prostitute who claims he was paid for drug-fueled trysts by the former head of the National Association of Evangelicals.

He bought the meth but didn’t smoke it.
He bought the whore but didn’t fuck it.[fn1]

Riiiight. 2 year olds come up with better excuses.

Bonus points for wingnut LaShawn Barber who came up with the following justification (prior to this awesome denial by Haggard):

Having said all that, I have to say this: No Christian should be surprised that Haggard may have given in to his perverted thoughts and turned them into perverted actions. It’s a temptation we all face (temptation in general, people, not necessarily the same-sex kind).

As Borat would say: we make to commit sex crime now? Niiiice.

FN1. I know “it” is objectification of a human being… but I the lines didn’t flow the same when “him” or “‘im” was used. I need a plosive there. Suggestions?

I’m stunned. I’m utterly, completely stunned. I’m shaky and anxious and shocked beyond belief. I live in rural Ohio and I have been denied EC.

Read the full post. It’s heart-wrending. And enraging. How dare these doctors and nurses place their moral “values” above a woman’s life, health, and agency.

San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom’s new squeeze, Brittanie Mountz, just turned 20 last month — and that raises a couple of questions about the couple’s nights on the town.

The biggest question is whether Mountz has been drinking, and it’s been swirling since the pair made their first public appearance and walked down the red carpet together at the San Francisco Symphony in September.

At the time, Mountz had a MySpace page that said she was 19. It now says she’s 26.

But according to the Sonoma County registrar of voters, the Rohnert Park resident turned 20 on Sept. 17 — three weeks and two days before Newsom turned 39.

What kind of jackass dates a woman half his age, particularly when “half” gets you into the teens? A jackass like Gavin Newsom. Jackasses like Newsom and Wrinkle Dick.

You have to have some special kind of stupid to be a sitting mayor of a major metropolis and pull this crap. At least Clinton’s were of drinking age. Look at the picture! She’s still got acne! Jesus. What could you even possibly say to a 19 year old (besides “Yes, Justin is the dreamiest, now back on your knees”)?

I wonder if anyone’s seen Wrinkle Dick and Newsom in the same room at the same time? Pathetic. Man, I hate rich old men in positions of power who prey on inappropriately younger women. Just pathetic.

::

hellooooo PornoTube [fn1]

[fn1] It’s actually only new-to-me. Looks like there are plenty of people that have known about this site. Hey, I got it from Hutton.

A Republican congressman knew of disgraced former representative Mark Foley’s inappropriate Internet exchanges as far back as 2000 and personally confronted Foley about his communications.

The former page, who agreed to discuss his relationship with Foley with the Los Angeles Times on the condition that he not be identified, said his electronic correspondence with Foley began after he finished the respected Capitol Hill page program for high school juniors. His sexual encounter was in the fall of 2000, he said. At the time, he was 21 and a graduate of a rural Northeastern college.

If he fucked ‘em at 21, he fucked ‘em at 16.

The firing of Melanie Martinez, 34, marks the second PBS moral values scandal. The first was the censorship of the “Postcards from Buster” episode last year where Buster the Bunny, who regularly visits families in every episode, went to visit a family with two mommies. Previous families featured in “Postcards” episodes have included Mormons, Hmong and Pentecostal Christians.

Melanie Martinez was fired from her position as host of PBS KIDS Sprout’s “The Good Night Show” because she appeared in two 30-second online films when she was 27, “Technical Virgin” and “Boys Can Wait,” that spoofed abstinence-only education. The PBS ombudsman dedicated two of his columns to voice his opposition to the firing of Melanie, but her job wasn’t saved. Melanie says there is no lawsuit in sight.

The Technical Virgin parodies were genius and not inappropriate (the videos have all been taken down so far as I can tell, or I’d link them). Martinez’ firing is on par with that schoolteacher who was fired for taking a class to a museum where a nude statue was seen. This statue:

© Thomas Hawk

Ooooh, yeah, baby. Can’t you just feel the prurient interests being piqued?

Feel free to sign the petition to PBS about Martinez, though she’s already been replaced.

What the hell is this country coming to?

Today on his radio program, Rush Limbaugh blamed Congressional pages for Mark Foley’s misconduct. He said that the communications reported by ABC were example of “young kids” who like to “make fun of gay people.” Rush’s evidence? As a child, he used to order refrigerators over the phone for adults he thought were “odd or weird” as a prank.

Did I mention inhuman and despicable? Bloated Drug Whore Con sure is.

I can be silent no longer.

Ann Coulter is right to suppose that there is something fishy in the whole Rep. Mark Foley child molestoring story. I’m sure the FBI investigation will turn this up anyway, but I want my readers to hear it here first: the IM transcript of an alleged conversation between Foley and a high school boy is a hoax perpetrated by the MSM in order to help the terrorists. That is to say, it is half a hoax – the parts written by Foley (aka Maf54) are real, but they have been re-contextualized as part of a supposed conversation with a 16-year-old in order to make Foley look bad. How do I know?

Because Foley was really IM’ing me.

Foley says he was abused by a Priest when he was a kid.

Vote Republican! Vote for the Grope Our Pages party!

Maf54: I miss you
Teen: ya me too
Maf54: we are still voting
Maf54: you miss me too

The exchange continues in which Foley and the teen both appear to describe having sexual orgasms.

Maf54: ok..i better go vote..did you know you would have this effect on me
Teen: lol I guessed
Teen: ya go vote…I don’t want to keep you from doing our job
Maf54: can I have a good kiss goodnight
Teen: :-*
Teen: <kiss>

No, wait, it gets better.

And by “better,” I mean “revolting.”

Teen: are you going to be in town over the veterans day weekend
Maf54: I may be now that your coming
Maf54: who you coming to visit
Teen: haha good stuff
Teen: umm no one really

Maf54: we will be adjourned ny then
Teen: oh good
Maf54: by
Maf54: then we can have a few drinks
Maf54: lol
Teen: yes yes
Maf54: your not old enough to drink
Teen: shhh…
Maf54: ok
Teen: that’s not what my ID says
Teen: lol
Maf54: ok
Teen: I probably shouldn’t be telling you that huh
Maf54: we may need to drink at my house so we don’t get busted

Remember, these are 16 year old kids who are trying to learn how our American government operates. I don’t think this is what they or their parents really had in mind.

Vote Republican: We’ll either kill your kids or boink ‘em before they’re ripe. Bush! Bush! Bush!

Update: other bumper stickers…
Vote GOP: We like Green Apples!
Vote GOP: WWJD? Jesus would fuck your kids! Or send them off to die in the desert if they’re too old!

The U.S. Supreme Court refused to question a Texas law that bars the sale of dildos and other “obscene devices,” turning away an appeal by a store clerk facing prosecution.

The justices made no comment in rejecting the appeal, which argued that the law violated a constitutional right to sexual privacy. The court last year turned down a similar challenge to an Alabama law.

Texas is one of a handful of states that ban sexual devices. Courts have upheld laws in Georgia, Mississippi, Alabama and Texas and struck down restrictions in Colorado, Kansas and Louisiana.

Texas bans the manufacture, sale, distribution and promotion of “devices including a dildo or artificial vagina, designed or marked as useful primarily for the stimulation of human genital organs.”

To me, this is an easy Interstate Commerce case (and thus states do not have the power to restrict). I do not know why the plaintiff did not follow this strategy, because if so the State would have to prove that a dildo is the equivalent of guns or drugs.

Whatever. I’m tired of religious fundamentalists taking my country back into the 13th century. Up next: burkhas for all you bitches.

A 16-year-old male congressional page concerned about the appropriateness of an e-mail exchange with a congressman alerted Capitol Hill staffers to the communication.

Congressman Mark Foley’s office says the e-mails were entirely appropriate and that their release is part of a smear campaign by his opponent.

In the series of e-mails, obtained by ABC News, between the page and Rep. Foley (R-FL), Foley asks the page how old he is, what he wants for his birthday and requests a photo of him.

Funny, but the style of writing that Foley is using to woo/stalk the 16 year old boy are highly reminiscent of Wrinkle Dick’s literary stylings.

Based on history and writing styles, I’m going to go on a limb and opine that Foley’s intentions with the underage boy(s) were just as aboveboard and platonic as Wrinkle Dick’s were with Ms. Grumpy. I wonder if anyone has ever seen Wrinkle Dick and Foley in the same room at the same time?

Update: ABC has evidence of explicit sexual statements Foley made via IM. ‘ware the IM logs!

Rep. Mark Foley (R-FL) just resigned from Congress, ABC reports. Apparently, in addition to his not-quite-gross-but-certainly-inappropriate emails revealed yesterday, ABC had obtained “excerpts of instant messages provided by former pages who said the congressman, under the AOL Instant Messenger screen name Maf54, made repeated references to sexual organs and acts.”

Update 2: Wrinkle Dick Foley resigns. Guess it was a live boy situation then. Also note, he was co-chairman of the Missing and Exploited Children Caucus.

Update 3: it turns out that, much like the Catholic church, the GOP knew about Foley’s actions for almost a year.

From the WaPo:

The resignation rocked the Capitol, and especially Foley’s GOP colleagues, as lawmakers were rushing to adjourn for at least six weeks. House Majority Leader John Boehner (R-Ohio) told The Washington Post last night that he had learned this spring of some “contact” between Foley and a 16-year-old page. Boehner said he told House Speaker J. Dennis Hastert (R-Ill.), and that Hastert assured him “we’re taking care of it.”

It was not immediately clear what actions Hastert took. His spokesman had said earlier that the speaker did not know of the sexually charged e-mails between Foley and the boy.

Hastert and Pope Panzerfaust, like peas and carrots. Time to resign, Denny.

New message for ’06 midterms: vote GOP if you support homosexual teenage sex with 40+ year old men.

Update 4: from DU

Update 5: This just keeps getting better, in the “you’re busted, you pedophilic hypocrite” way. Here’s a section of the IM logs (Maf54 = Foley) (it formats long, so after the jump)

Maf54 (7:46:33 PM): did any girl give you a haand job this weekend

Xxxxxxxxx (7:46:38 PM): lol no

Xxxxxxxxx (7:46:40 PM): im single right now

Xxxxxxxxx (7:46:57 PM): my last gf and i broke up a few weeks agi

Maf54 (7:47:11 PM): are you

Maf54 (7:47:11 PM): good so your getting horny

Xxxxxxxxx (7:47:29 PM): lol…a bit

Maf54 (7:48:00 PM): did you spank it this weekend yourself

Xxxxxxxxx (7:48:04 PM): no

Xxxxxxxxx (7:48:16 PM): been too tired and too busy

Maf54 (7:48:33 PM): wow…

Maf54 (7:48:34 PM): i am never to busy haha

Xxxxxxxxx (7:48:51 PM): haha

Maf54 (7:50:02 PM): or tired..helps me sleep

Xxxxxxxxx (7:50:15 PM): thats true

Xxxxxxxxx (7:50:36 PM): havent been having a problem with sleep though.. i just walk in the door and collapse well at least this weekend

Maf54 (7:50:56 PM): i am sure

Xxxxxxxxx (7:50:57 PM): i dont do it very often normally though

Maf54 (7:51:11 PM): why not

Maf54 (7:51:22 PM): at your age seems like it would be daily

Xxxxxxxxx (7:51:57 PM): not me

Xxxxxxxxx (7:52:01 PM): im not a horn dog

Xxxxxxxxx (7:52:07 PM): maybe 2 or 3 times a week

Maf54 (7:52:20 PM): thats a good number

Maf54 (7:52:27 PM): in the shower

Xxxxxxxxx (7:52:36 PM): actually usually i dont do it in the shower

Xxxxxxxxx (7:52:42 PM): just cause i shower in the morning

Xxxxxxxxx (7:52:47 PM): and quickly

Maf54 (7:52:50 PM): in the bed

Xxxxxxxxx (7:52:59 PM): i get up at 530 and am outta the house by 610

Xxxxxxxxx (7:53:03 PM): eh ya

Maf54 (7:53:24 PM): on your back

Xxxxxxxxx (7:53:30 PM): no face down

Maf54 (7:53:32 PM): love details

Xxxxxxxxx (7:53:34 PM): lol

Xxxxxxxxx (7:53:36 PM): i see that

Xxxxxxxxx (7:53:37 PM): lol

Maf54 (7:53:39 PM): really

Maf54 (7:53:54 PM): do you really do it face down

Xxxxxxxxx (7:54:03 PM): ya

Maf54 (7:54:13 PM): kneeling

Xxxxxxxxx (7:54:31 PM): well i dont use my hand…i use the bed itself

Maf54 (7:54:31 PM): where do you unload it

Xxxxxxxxx (7:54:36 PM): towel

Maf54 (7:54:43 PM): really

Maf54 (7:55:02 PM): completely naked?

Xxxxxxxxx (7:55:12 PM): well ya

Maf54 (7:55:21 PM): very nice

Xxxxxxxxx (7:55:24 PM): lol

Maf54 (7:55:51 PM): cute butt bouncing in the air

Xxxxxxxxx (7:56:00 PM): haha

Xxxxxxxxx (7:56:05 PM): well ive never watched myslef

Xxxxxxxxx (7:56:08 PM): but ya i guess

Maf54 (7:56:18 PM): i am sure not

Maf54 (7:56:22 PM): hmmm

Maf54 (7:56:30 PM): great visual

Maf54 (7:56:39 PM): i may try that

Xxxxxxxxx (7:56:43 PM): it works

Maf54 (7:56:51 PM): hmm

Maf54 (7:56:57 PM): sound inetersting

Maf54 (7:57:05 PM): i always use lotion and the hand

Maf54 (7:57:10 PM): but who knows

Xxxxxxxxx (7:57:24 PM): i dont use lotion…takes too much time to clean up

Xxxxxxxxx (7:57:37 PM): with a towel you can just wipe off….and go

Maf54 (7:57:38 PM): lol

Maf54 (7:57:45 PM): where do you throw the towel

Xxxxxxxxx (7:57:48 PM): but you cant work it too hard….or its not good

Xxxxxxxxx (7:57:51 PM): in the laundry

Maf54 (7:58:16 PM): just kinda slow rubbing

Xxxxxxxxx (7:58:23 PM): ya….

Xxxxxxxxx (7:58:32 PM): or youll rub yourslef raw

Maf54 (7:58:37 PM): well I have aa totally stiff wood now