Nov 14

Cockblock of the Century

Watch ’til the end (or just watch the last 15 seconds or so, same diff), where Brian Williams totally busts Luke Russert:

A few things:

a) Luke Russert. Mmmm… nepotism. Look, I’m sorry his dad died, but Luke sucks, brings nothing to the table, and has horrible hair. Fuck this shit.

b) From the reaction, I’m preeeeeeetty sure Luke and the victory hookup had already hit it.

c) Nice job, Brian! That was the best scolding-slash-breakup inducing moment ever. Ev-er.

d) I totally love how the entire crowd runs away from Luke like he’s a oily little droplet in their bucket of water. The frustrated and lonely chagrin on Luke’s face is priceless. This is precisely how he would have been treated if his dad dad daddy-o weren’t Tim Russert. Looooove it.

Oh, and since I’ve been too busy with other things to post during this epochal event – Sarah, your God has done what’s right for America. Now STFU and get back to your low-grade tyrannical corruption.

Sep 10

Drill early, drill often

Your typical GOP governance

Government officials handling billions of dollars in oil royalties improperly engaged in sex with employees of energy companies they were dealing with and received numerous gifts from them, federal investigators said Wednesday.

The alleged transgressions involve 13 former and current Interior Department employees in Denver and Washington. Their alleged improprieties include rigging contracts, working part-time as private oil consultants, and having sexual relationships with _ and accepting golf and ski trips and dinners from _ oil company employees, according to three reports released Wednesday by the Interior Department’s inspector general.

The investigations reveal a “culture of substance abuse and promiscuity” by a small group of individuals “wholly lacking in acceptance of or adherence to government ethical standards,” wrote Inspector General Earl E. Devaney. Devaney’s office spent more than two years and $5.3 million on the investigations.

Nov 20

Paragraph of the day

New York Post edition

Jennifer Lopez is about to be spoofed in a new porn flick that takes obscene liberties with her hit song “Jenny From the Block.” The XXX flick, titled “J-Ho: Jenny on the [Rhymes with Block],” will be an adults-only parody of her career. Playing J.Ho will be Jasmine Byrne, a Lopez look-alike who previously starred in “Britney Rears 3” and “Angels of Debauchery.” “I always loved . . . J.Lo, doing her singing and acting and . . . I jumped at the chance to do it,” gushed Byrne.

That I didn’t think of “Britney Rears” is bad enough, but that I wasn’t the first one to think of “J-Ho: Jenny on the Cock” is just criminal.

I’m sorry, my peoples. I have failed you.

Nov 16

Cum Cum Disease

That’s ‘iku iku byo’ if you’re speaking Japanese.

Growing numbers of Japanese women are afflicted with an illness that gives them orgasms virtually 24 hours a day. And with suggestions that it could be deadly, the women hardly know whether they’re coming or going, according to Shukan Post (11/24).

“If a guy simply taps me on the shoulder, I just swoon. Even when I go to the toilet, my body reacts. I’m a little bit scared of myself,” one woman sufferer tells Shukan Post.

Another adds: “When I got on the train one day, I could feel blood gushing toward a certain part of my body and it felt so good I almost let out a moan. It was sheer murder when everybody got pushed into the carriage.”

Yet another woman has her say.

“Even the vibration of my mobile phone is enough to set me off,” she says. “My friend said there’s something called Iku Iku byo (Cum Cum Disease). I guess I’ve got that.”

I love this new entirely fictional “disease.” Note that this isn’t one of those wacky Japanese made up alien rape vine things either. No, no, no! This is American

PSAS has been described as an affliction that brings about orgasm through the slightest of jolts regardless of whether they’re aroused, or even thinking about sex. What’s more, orgasms experienced by PSAS sufferers are not just momentary phenomena, instead affecting women over anywhere from a few days to a week, with one reported case seeing 300 orgasms in a single day.

Awareness in Japan of PSAS — which was first documented by Dr. Sandra Leiblum in the United States five years ago — is growing, especially in the blogsphere, where it is being called Iku Iku byo.

Hear that ladies? That tingling sensation you get in your genitals when I look at you is not just a wonderful, everyday occurrence… it’s also a disease. And terrible disease that you really need to explore more fully, preferrably in my living room.

Nov 14

OK, one more BritBrit – KFed post

I thought I was done with one post, but nooooooo, KFed has to go and pull this awesomeness out.

Dumped husband Kevin Federline has been touting the four-hour tape for sale and has already been offered £26 MILLION.

They did nothing all day but have sex—and play the odd game of chess.

Yes, that certainly would be an odd game of chess, what with BritBrit trying to eat the pawns and KFed wondering where the filter wire goes on the queen and all. Apparently BritBrit is worried that it will destroy her comeback or something and thinks she’s still a Disney product. Honey, there is no comeback for you outside of this tape. So you had sex with your husband? Big deal. Look how far Paris has milked one boring narcissistic tape. You Your handler’s can totally manage that.

Nov 03

Evangelical closeted hypocrite? No way!

I was wating for Haggard’s denial to come out before I blogged on this story, and … his denial is even better than I could have expected.

Now, the story is that a male prostitute came forward and said that he had an ongoing 3 year relationship with evangelical Reverend Ted Haggard. This relationship included a lot of sex and, by the way, a bunch of crystal meth. There was an immediate statement of support from Haggard’s group (the National Association of Evangelicals, of which he is the president), that was then withdrawn and a press conference was cancelled, followed shortly thereafter by Haggard’s resignation. So we knew something was up.

… and now, here’s the denial:

The Rev. Ted Haggard admitted Friday he bought methamphetamine and received a massage from a gay prostitute who claims he was paid for drug-fueled trysts by the former head of the National Association of Evangelicals.

He bought the meth but didn’t smoke it.
He bought the whore but didn’t fuck it.[fn1]

Riiiight. 2 year olds come up with better excuses.

Bonus points for wingnut LaShawn Barber who came up with the following justification (prior to this awesome denial by Haggard):

Having said all that, I have to say this: No Christian should be surprised that Haggard may have given in to his perverted thoughts and turned them into perverted actions. It’s a temptation we all face (temptation in general, people, not necessarily the same-sex kind).

As Borat would say: we make to commit sex crime now? Niiiice.

Borat

FN1. I know “it” is objectification of a human being… but I the lines didn’t flow the same when “him” or “‘im” was used. I need a plosive there. Suggestions?

Oct 16

Is that you, WD?

Gavin Newsom’s girlfriend is a 20 year old. Also, she was seen drinking..

San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom’s new squeeze, Brittanie Mountz, just turned 20 last month — and that raises a couple of questions about the couple’s nights on the town.

The biggest question is whether Mountz has been drinking, and it’s been swirling since the pair made their first public appearance and walked down the red carpet together at the San Francisco Symphony in September.

At the time, Mountz had a MySpace page that said she was 19. It now says she’s 26.

But according to the Sonoma County registrar of voters, the Rohnert Park resident turned 20 on Sept. 17 — three weeks and two days before Newsom turned 39.

What kind of jackass dates a woman half his age, particularly when “half” gets you into the teens? A jackass like Gavin Newsom. Jackasses like Newsom and Wrinkle Dick.

You have to have some special kind of stupid to be a sitting mayor of a major metropolis and pull this crap. At least Clinton’s were of drinking age. Look at the picture! She’s still got acne! Jesus. What could you even possibly say to a 19 year old (besides “Yes, Justin is the dreamiest, now back on your knees”)?

I wonder if anyone’s seen Wrinkle Dick and Newsom in the same room at the same time? Pathetic. Man, I hate rich old men in positions of power who prey on inappropriately younger women. Just pathetic.