Grumpasaurus.com

Purity Princess Survivor Kit

This kit is excellent for any girl! Over 50 items enclosed including the Purity Pledge, the Pink Abstinence Card , valuable information on STD’s and your worth as a girl created by God! From nail enamel quick dry spray, a cute polka dot shower cap to nail glue, a pre-threaded sewing kit, and a dual make up sharpener…this kit is for you! Great for going off to College the Birthday Girl or even a COMING OF AGE gift for when she finally gets her period.

So… you get the purity thing, go to a formal ball with daddy where you recite a creepy pledge of your vagina to your father as his property to do with as he pleases (supposedly to give away, but we all know how that works out), but then what? I’m assuming the vagina dentata is in there at some point as well as the more feudal chastity belt… but then what?

And what does purity have to do with a nail enamel quick dry spray or a cute polka dot shower cap? Should you even be taking showers? I mean, to take showers, you have to be nekkid. Presumably. Is there are purity prophylactic for the shower time so you bitches don’t see your own daaaaangerous nekkidness? Maybe a Purity blindfold? Mix the purity blindfold with the pledge to daddy and you’ve got the makings of some serious spin the bottle times.

Oh, and by “survivor” in the product name above, they do not mean of rape or molestation, as one might assume. Nor do they mean someone who survived the Holocaust. No, they mean … well, I’m not sure really, but I think it has something to do with being a shitty driver. Or possibly a narcoleptic. Or both.

See, I don’t not want a daughter only because of the looming nightmare of their teenage years and predatory 30 year old accountants – no! – I also don’t want them to have to grow up in a world where they have to fight this malevolent, ignorant, self-hateful bullshit every day. My hat’s off to you wimmin for making the development of homocidal maniacs of your gender the exception rather than the rule.

Update: I was going to end there, but then I kept following stuff about the Purity Balls and pledges and shit and then OMFG. What is up with these people? (Dobson-fueled Focus on the Family, of course)

Katie giggles as she waits for her date to come around and open the car door. The pair enters an ice cream shop. She sits down at the table as her date gently pushes in her chair. He takes her hand from across the table and asks, “What flavor would you like tonight, Sugar?” Katie smiles and says, “I’ll have chocolate, Daddy.”

More and more fathers are becoming aware of their influence and regularly dating their daughters.

“The research clearly says that daddies make all the difference in the world,” says Kevin Leman, national speaker and author of What a Difference Daddy Makes. “I have tremendously more impact on my daughter than my wife does.”

Did everyone else out there just vomit in their mouths a little bucketload? Yeeeesh.

Bitch shouldn’t have been in that parody alluding to ass fucking.

The firing of Melanie Martinez, 34, marks the second PBS moral values scandal. The first was the censorship of the “Postcards from Buster” episode last year where Buster the Bunny, who regularly visits families in every episode, went to visit a family with two mommies. Previous families featured in “Postcards” episodes have included Mormons, Hmong and Pentecostal Christians.

Melanie Martinez was fired from her position as host of PBS KIDS Sprout’s “The Good Night Show” because she appeared in two 30-second online films when she was 27, “Technical Virgin” and “Boys Can Wait,” that spoofed abstinence-only education. The PBS ombudsman dedicated two of his columns to voice his opposition to the firing of Melanie, but her job wasn’t saved. Melanie says there is no lawsuit in sight.

The Technical Virgin parodies were genius and not inappropriate (the videos have all been taken down so far as I can tell, or I’d link them). Martinez’ firing is on par with that schoolteacher who was fired for taking a class to a museum where a nude statue was seen. This statue:

© Thomas Hawk

Ooooh, yeah, baby. Can’t you just feel the prurient interests being piqued?

Feel free to sign the petition to PBS about Martinez, though she’s already been replaced.

What the hell is this country coming to?

Yesterday Bush repeated the ‘comma’ remark

We’re going to help the Iraqi people. Remember, 12 million of them voted in elections last December. That probably seems like a decade ago to you, but when the history is finally written, it will be just a comma. Twelve million people stood up in the face of assassins and car bombers and said, we want to be free.

As has been pointed out (and is again pointed out in the linked article), the “comma” wording is code language for the fundies. Bush’s repetition of the phrase is all the proof that we need to know that it is intentional.

Your preznit, not mine

President Bush said yesterday that he senses a “Third Awakening” of religious devotion in the United States that has coincided with the nation’s struggle with international terrorists, a war that he depicted as “a confrontation between good and evil.”

Bartleby’s has details on the other awakenings.

but you better not be one of them Satanists

At the Veterans Memorial Cemetery in the small town of Fernley, Nev., there is a wall of brass plaques for local heroes. But one space is blank. There is no memorial for Sgt. Patrick D. Stewart.

That’s because Stewart was a Wiccan, and the U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs has refused to allow a symbol of the Wicca religion — a five-pointed star within a circle, called a pentacle — to be inscribed on U.S. military memorials or grave markers.

The department has approved the symbols of 38 other faiths; about half of are versions of the Christian cross. It also allows the Jewish Star of David, the Muslim crescent, the Buddhist wheel, the Mormon angel, the nine-pointed star of Bahai and something that looks like an atomic symbol for atheists.
…
But applications from Wiccan groups and individuals to VA for use of the pentacle on grave markers have been pending for nine years, during which time the symbols of 11 other faiths have been approved.

If a soldier died for this country, this country where freedom of religion is one of the founding tenets, put the symbol of his choice on the damn gravestone. To not do so is ignorant, disrespectful, and unamerican.

I wonder if FSM has an approved symbol yet.

Now it’s entirely possible that this billboard is a joke, but given the death of irony in the 20th century and right wingers’ noted lack of humor… I’m going to guess these people are dead serious in their iconography (or is it idolatry now?) of Rambesus. Dead. Serious.

BTW, rambesians, the line after “they drew first blood” is “not me.”[fn1] “I’ll be back” is from The Terminator.

P.S. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I think Rambesus is sporting some wood up there. And by “wood,” I mean “raging hardon in anticipation of violent action, bitches! Now pinch my nipples!” That kind of wood.

P.P.S. Unless Rambesus’ flesh is stone or some other sufficiently strong-yet-unbreakable material, the wood on the crucifix wouldn’t break when he pulled on the nine inch nails. The best guess of what actually happens is that Rambesus pulls the arm hard enough to fully get the nail through the other side, thus shattering the bones, tearing tendons and veins, and rendering the limb useless. It would be a gory, horrible mess to rip your own arm off of a crucifix.

I dunno, maybe it’s one of those newfangled crucifixes with the breakaway arms and side-impact airbags. For safety, you know.

AWESOME