Grumpasaurus.com

Because it makes hot 18-year olds drop the F-bomb

Given how the dog whistles have already begun (1, 2, 3, 4) and in preparation from November’s massive hate-n-bigotry fest that’s going to come from the right in November¹, I just wanted to get ahead of the curve on this one.

By the way, this one is (tm, me), bitches. Y’all betta reckognize!

Speaking of dog whistles, Barack uses his own in that his cadences, sometimes accent and pronunciation, and some phrase usage are all in the manner of black preachers and evocative of the civil rights movement. So while he doesn’t appeal to race directly, I believe his presentation is meant to do so to those listening for such signals. This is no different than Bush’s longstanding code language for the anti-choice radical right either, I just wanted to note that such language usage exists for multiple purposes.

1. It’s going to be a hatred and bigotry fest no matter who the Dem candidate is, of course. Fear and hatred is the only way the right knows how to operate. The most obvious form is going to be racism, but that’s just one of their legion ways of getting their ragegasm on.

It is better to let people think you’re a cocksmoking douchebag than to remove all doubt.

NBC late night host Carson Daly, who today announced that he is returning to the air in the face of the ongoing writers strike, wants his friends and family to help with his scab efforts. In an e-mail, Daly asked a small group of contacts to call in “suggested jokes” to a telephone hotline, noting that he would “play some, most, or all of your jokes on the air.”

I hope you’re enjoying your last few moments on a worthless show with crap ratings, scab.

Now you do (or you can read about it, I guess).

That’s one athletic mofo. If you start searching on YT, you might want to give yourself a few hours to explore.

The one who started the sport is David Belle:

Remember when I linked to the worst vanity cover song in the history of ever? Well, they made a video:

If you listen to the original, you’ll notice something… autotune is Katie Price/Jordan’s best friend. BEST friend. (actually, check that, they’ve removed the mp3. Tragedy!)

Well at least my ears aren’t bleeding any more. My eyes on the other hand… (that shower scene is HIGHlarious!)

New York Post edition

Jennifer Lopez is about to be spoofed in a new porn flick that takes obscene liberties with her hit song “Jenny From the Block.” The XXX flick, titled “J-Ho: Jenny on the [Rhymes with Block],” will be an adults-only parody of her career. Playing J.Ho will be Jasmine Byrne, a Lopez look-alike who previously starred in “Britney Rears 3″ and “Angels of Debauchery.” “I always loved . . . J.Lo, doing her singing and acting and . . . I jumped at the chance to do it,” gushed Byrne.

That I didn’t think of “Britney Rears” is bad enough, but that I wasn’t the first one to think of “J-Ho: Jenny on the Cock” is just criminal.

I’m sorry, my peoples. I have failed you.

First two guesses don’t count.1.

Am I the only one who vomited in my mouth a little here?

1. Michael Jackson. Entering the auditorium for the 2006 World Music Awards.
Seriously.
That’s Jacko.

OJ Simpson edition, volume 2.

In an update to a previous post, OJ is now doing the talk show circuit to promote his “hypothetical” book. Hmm… this sounds… familiar… Oh yes! I remember!1

You know, you have to admire the human species. Every time I think we’ve hit a new floor in taste, someone goes way, way below it. It’s awesome when that person is me.

John Correli: Did you kill Mr Boz, Miss Tramell?
Catherine: I’d have to be pretty stupid to write a book about killing and then kill him the way I described in my book. I’d be announcing myself as the killer. I’m not stupid.

Yessirree, we’ve got the Britney Spears – Kevin Federline sex tape right here. Watch the preview:

I thought I was done with one post, but nooooooo, KFed has to go and pull this awesomeness out.

Dumped husband Kevin Federline has been touting the four-hour tape for sale and has already been offered £26 MILLION.
…
They did nothing all day but have sex—and play the odd game of chess.

Yes, that certainly would be an odd game of chess, what with BritBrit trying to eat the pawns and KFed wondering where the filter wire goes on the queen and all. Apparently BritBrit is worried that it will destroy her comeback or something and thinks she’s still a Disney product. Honey, there is no comeback for you outside of this tape. So you had sex with your husband? Big deal. Look how far Paris has milked one boring narcissistic tape. You Your handler’s can totally manage that.

Watch as Faith Hill gets suckerpunched at the CMA for an award she thought she was going to win.

Guess doing all those magazine covers didn’t boost her votes enough. Looks like some personal assistant is going to get fired.

Sure, sure, she says it was a joke and of course I believe it was… but it’s way funnier this way. Besides anyone who sings the shit AI-er Underwood puts out does not deserve to receive any award other than a Razzie:

She was driving last Friday on her way to Cincinnati
On a snow white Christmas Eve
Going home to see her Mama and her Daddy with the baby in the backseat
Fifty miles to go and she was running low on faith and gasoline
It been a long hard year
She had a lot on her mind and she didn’t pay attention
She was going way to fast
Before she knew it she was spinning on a thin black sheet of glass
She saw both their lives flash before her eyes
She didn’t even have time to cry
She was sooo scared
She threw her hands up in the air

Jesus take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can’t do this all my own
I’m letting go
So give me one more chance
To save me from this road I’m on
Jesus take the wheel

Believe it or not, the song’s actually worse with the melody. Don’t believe me?

Don’t say I didn’t warned you. She does get credit for recording her video in a pawn shop, though. Nothing like $0.10 vases and glassware to set the stage for jebus’ taking your wheel and rubbing you in a circular motion, with some slow loving hot hands creeping up your thighs. Hot!

By the way, how do conservative christianists reconcile their supposed “personal responibility” principles with their welfare state reliance upon jebus/god’s provisions?

I never knew he was a wifebeater (alleged or otherwise).

Patrick Dempsey’s first wife accused the “Grey’s Anatomy” star of beating her, according to court papers obtained by the National Enquirer.

Rochelle “Rocky” Parker claimed that Dempsey once broke her finger in a car door and further charged that “while we were on the set of his [1987] movie ‘Can’t Buy Me Love’ he beat me up because he wanted to see what it was like to beat a woman,” the tab is reporting.

I always thought he was attractive, but now? Not so much. Not at all, actually. I have no tolerance for people who resort to violence, particularly men who beat on women. He’s dead to me.