Grumpasaurus.com

This made my morning.

Genius!

h/t to BoonDoggle

Sour grapes from the self hating bigot Malkin

The GOP lost. Conservatism prevailed.

See also: RS #1

The movement shall never die! See also:

The Party did not fail the people. The people failed the Party.

and

Marxism did not fail: it was never tried

Others: shorter Thomas @ RS, in quite the exquisite violent fabulist post – the Dems didn’t beat us, we impaled ourselves on long poles and slowly felt the sharpened wooden spikes crawl through our intestines, eventually piercing our hearts as our bowels are voided and shit runs down our legs. Oh wait, that’s not shorter.

The Democrats did not win this battle. We locked our finest spears in the ground and plunged ourselves upon them.

RS #3

Buncha commies. The lot of them.

I have absolutely no problem whatsoever with either Mahrer’s costume or South Park. Too early? If this was 1986, I would be dressed up as Christa Mcauliffe right now.

Niiiiice!

“I would like to meet the fearless anti-Jew warrior, Melvin Gibson,” [Borat said]. “We agree with his comments that the Jews started all wars. We also have proof that they were responsible for killing off all the dinosaurs. And Hurricane Katrina – they did it.”

…

Gibson was not alone in being lampooned by Cohen, who is Jewish, as he joked about O.J. Simpson, Pamela Anderson (who appears in Borat ) and President Bush. “Kazakhstan very much admires your mighty warlord, George Walter Bush,” Cohen said. “He is a very wise man and also a strong man – but perhaps not as strong as his father, Barbara.”

One week ’til the movie comes out!

More clients should thank their lawyers this way

(from this week’s Variety)

Area Man Going To Go Ahead And Consider That A Date

MOUNT PLEASANT, PA—Anthony Pennline, 28, decided Tuesday, following a random encounter at a coffee shop with 26-year old acquaintance April Geyer, that their cordial, 45-minute conversation along with his offer to walk her home basically constituted a date. “I mean, it wasn’t official or anything, but if I had asked her to have coffee with me, and she were to have said yes, the result would have been exactly the same,” said Pennline, adding that the encounter was even more of a date when he offered to buy her another cup of coffee. “It’s pretty clear she’s probably really into me.” According to Pennline, he has dated two other girls this month, the first of which occurred spontaneously during the happy-hour reception of his high-school reunion, and the second at the movies when he briefly spoke to a woman before the theater went dark.

That’s almost as good as this week’s Op-Ed

I can barely keep it together at work today. It’s impossible to focus. Every time I try to get something done, my palms start to sweat, my head spins, and I think about you, with your eyes half-closed and your head thrown back under that hot, steaming water, talking about how our current foreign policy is counterproductive to its stated objective because it is allowing Islamic extremist groups to exploit the U.S.-led conflict in Iraq to recruit an ever-growing number of anti-American jihadists.

You’ve always known exactly how to drive me wild.

I’m going nuts over here. It’s all I can do not to drop everything, sprint to the car, speed over to your place, throw you down, and feel your breath on my ear as you tell me that America’s unpopular, misinformed actions and its unwillingness to open any productive dialogues have had the effect of alienating our allies, and subsequently contributed to the inability to craft a true allied coalition in the War on Terror.

God, I love it when you do that.
…
Or when you said that Camus’ use of dualism was not morbid in nature, but put forth so that we might enjoy fleeting happiness when it occurs. Admittedly, that conversation was a little one-sided due to the ball gag.

I’m trembling just at the thought of having scintillating intercourse with you again and I don’t know if I can even make it until Friday evening. I hope you’re still free. I can’t wait to come over with a bottle of wine so we can really get down and dirty with our thoughts about the ongoing genocide in Darfur.

Foreign policy is hot! (as are maudlin affectations of romantic language issued in overbearingly sincere tones by bald men)

But I can’t remember the product

God’s gonna get the Bush boys for making fun of him

This doesn’t surprise me. Republicans have long been hypocrites when it came to the religious right. Even Ronald Reagan, the darling of the right-wing, ridiculed the Christian conservatives.

But Bush embraced the Bible thumpers with carefully-orchestrated public enthusiasm while he cursed like a sailor and ridiculed them behind closed doors. He called the Constitution a “goddamned piece of paper,” refers to political enemies as “fucking idiots” and lies without remorse to Congress, the American people.

Kuo’s book uncovers another sham by the Bush White House, another callous use of supporters for political gain and another lie from an administration whose record is built on deception.

God’s gonna get ‘em for that.

Be good to have less lies, suffering and death!
That’s the whole problem with being a diplomatic nation, no war!

::

This is the #4 result on Google when searching for “will I have children”

Love your kids? Prove it by beating them.

How come everyone today is too much of a pussy to smack their kids around? That’s what I want to know: why are parents afraid to beat their kids? When I was a kid and I screwed up, my parents beat my ass. We didn’t have a conversation about it. I didn’t have a “time out.” In fact, I’ve never even once been grounded in my life. What’s the point? Send your kid to his room and make him play video games and read comic books all day? Great idea, why don’t you take him to a psychiatrist while you’re at it so she can pull some disorder out of her ass to hide the fact that you’re a bad parent?

They call it “The most absurd deleted scenes of all time,” but I think it’s more like “the only deleted scenes we could find on YouTube.”

Still, it’s entertaining enough to be worth your 5 minutes or so.

© Penny Arcade

I seem to have this happen to me a lot, and by “me” I mean I’m the guy in blue. and by “this” I mean conversations that are perpindicular to the interest and understanding of the other. Good times.

The Poor Man Institute reveals the real Foley IM transcript

I can be silent no longer.

Ann Coulter is right to suppose that there is something fishy in the whole Rep. Mark Foley child molestoring story. I’m sure the FBI investigation will turn this up anyway, but I want my readers to hear it here first: the IM transcript of an alleged conversation between Foley and a high school boy is a hoax perpetrated by the MSM in order to help the terrorists. That is to say, it is half a hoax – the parts written by Foley (aka Maf54) are real, but they have been re-contextualized as part of a supposed conversation with a 16-year-old in order to make Foley look bad. How do I know?

Because Foley was really IM’ing me.

19 Year Old Diebold Technician Wins U.S. Presidency

In a dramatic development that has come as a surprise to pundits and the public alike, a youthful technician with Diebold, Inc. has emerged as the unlikely winner of the 2008 U.S. Presidential election. The president-elect, 19 year old Billy Pustule of Green, Ohio, reached via SMS at the garage apartment by his mother’s house in which he currently resides, said he was “real psyched about being the president” and “had big plans for the inauguration party”.

Less profligate than the Onion, but consistently funny. Here’s McSweeney’s on the RIAA lawsuits:

The Recording Industry Association of America has enriched your life through music since you were a baby. But now you betray us? We will destroy you. This is your notice that you will be sued for one of the following:

1. Downloading a song from the Internet.

2. Singing the “Happy Birthday” song.

3. Other.

4. None of the above.

If you would prefer not to be stripped of your home and dignity, please send us $3,750 in the return envelope. If your toddler has been named in this lawsuit, explain to them that the fruits of their labor as an adult will go to pay a debt that will ultimately lead to their death at a young age due to their inability to afford medical insurance. Toddlers never understand that, but they’ll get the point if you make them cry. If your household pet has been named in this lawsuit, it will be euthanized. If you are a 13-year-old girl, do not expect that the bad publicity in the past has made us hesitant to sue little girls—it has only made us hate you even more. If you, your household pet, or your toddler did not commit any of the acts above, then we will sue you and ruin your life forever for lying. Then we will sue you again, because it’s not about the money anymore. It’s about revenge.

If you would like to make an excuse, please mark one of the boxes below with a No. 2 pencil and return.

1. My computer was hacked.

2. I am poor and cannot afford music. That is why I download songs at the public library. Please don’t sue me or my children will starve.

3. One of your goons was in a van outside my house using my wireless connection to frame me.

4. Other children were singing the “Happy Birthday” song, but I was just lip-synching.

Due to the extremely large volume of replies, we cannot mock your pathetic lies personally, but we will reply with a computer-generated message to the effect of “We have billions of dollars and we will spend the last cent on lawyers to crush you” and “Who is going to believe you? Nobody, that’s who.” The message will appear in an envelope on your pillow when you awake, along with photographs of you, your wife, and your children asleep, and there will be a new randomly chosen settlement amount from $200,000 to $4,000,000,000,000. You will be billed $64.34 for the cost of the photos and processing.

Say this tongue twister… or else

Damn, I so need to get over to Japan. Where else are you going to find dudes lining up to compete to be the ones not hit in the balls with a giant flyswatter? Well, OK, you can get that anywhere, but only in Japan do they make shows specifically about such things. We’ve got Jackass and that’s about it. I think Japan’s entire primetime lineup consists of alien rape vines, random food and body fluid contests, and contests where people get hit in the balls or rack themselves on some very painful looking obstacles.