That is not, repeat not, a joke.

Bonus points for the kewpie doll/Victoria Jackson voice.

A campaign worker who claimed she was the victim of a politically-motivated attack in which she was beaten, kicked and cut, now admits that she made the whole story up.

According to Pittsburgh police spokeswoman Diane Richard, Ashley Todd, 20, told investigators today that she “was not robbed and there was no 6’4″ black male attacker.”

Todd initially told police that she was robbed at an ATM in Bloomfield Wednesday night and that the suspect began beating her after seeing a John McCain bumper sticker on her car.

Todd claimed that the mugger even cut a backwards letter “B” in her check.

But today investigators say Todd confessed that the attack never happened.

At a news conference this afternoon, officials said they believe that Todd’s injuries were self-inflicted.

What a dumbass. A dumbass with issues. Get some therapy before you waste the world’s time again.

Update: Dude. I was totally first.

Update 2: Peter Feldman is the new Al Sharpton.

John McCain’s Pennsylvania communications director told reporters in the state an incendiary version of the hoax story about the attack on a McCain volunteer well before the facts of the case were known or established — and even told reporters outright that the “B” carved into the victim’s cheek stood for “Barack,” according to multiple sources familiar with the discussions.

I can’t believe the McCain campaign was pushing this turd of a story that didn’t pass the sniff test from the get go. Wait, what am I saying? Of course they pushed the story!

She also thanked her supporters — including Dobson, who said he and his wife were asking “for God’s intervention” on election day — for their prayers of support.

“It is that intercession that is so needed,” she said. “And so greatly appreciated. And I can feel it too, Dr. Dobson. I can feel the power of prayer, and that strength that is provided through our prayer warriors across this nation. And I so appreciate it.”

So… I’m guessing Sarracuda isn’t one of those Jesus-the-lamb types. We probably already knew that.

Given this and her $150,000 on campaign clothes, she’s a perfect fit for a televangelist. I see her taking over the 700 club and taking the place, not of Tammy Faye, but of Robertson. There’s another glass ceiling to shatter!

Note also:

In an interview posted online Wednesday, Sarah Palin told Dr. James Dobson of “Focus on the Family” that she is confident God will do “the right thing for America” on Nov. 4.

I’m looking forward to Palin and the Dobson brigade’s admission on Nov 5th, after Barack Obama has been elected, that God did “the right thing for America.”

Though Chryson belongs to a fringe political party, one that advocates the secession of Alaska from the Union, and that organizes with other like-minded secessionist movements from Canada to the Deep South, he is not without peculiar influence in state politics, especially the rise of Sarah Palin. An obscure figure outside of Alaska, Chryson has been a political fixture in the hometown of the Republican vice-presidential nominee for over a decade. During the 1990s, when Chryson directed the AIP, he and another radical right-winger, Steve Stoll, played a quiet but pivotal role in electing Palin as mayor of Wasilla and shaping her political agenda afterward. Both Stoll and Chryson not only contributed to Palin’s campaign financially, they played major behind-the-scenes roles in the Palin camp before, during and after her victory.

Palin backed Chryson as he successfully advanced a host of anti-tax, pro-gun initiatives, including one that altered the state Constitution’s language to better facilitate the formation of anti-government militias. She joined in their vendetta against several local officials they disliked, and listened to their advice about hiring. She attempted to name Stoll, a John Birch Society activist known in the Mat-Su Valley as “Black Helicopter Steve,” to an empty Wasilla City Council seat. “Every time I showed up her door was open,” said Chryson. “And that policy continued when she became governor.”
…
“The AIP is very family-oriented,” Chryson explained. “We’re for the traditional family — daddy, mommy, kids — because we all know that it was Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve. And we don’t care if Heather has two mommies. That’s not a traditional family.”

Chryson further streamlined the AIP’s platform by softening its secessionist language. Instead of calling for immediate separation from the United States, the platform now demands a vote on independence.

Yet Chryson maintains that his party remains committed to full independence. “The Alaskan Independence Party has got links to almost every independence-minded movement in the world,” Chryson exclaimed. “And Alaska is not the only place that’s about separation. There’s at least 30 different states that are talking about some type of separation from the United States.”

oh, and they still have her ear

Emboldened by his nomination by Mayor Palin, Stoll later demanded she fire Wasilla’s museum director, John Cooper, a personal enemy he longed to sabotage. Palin obliged, eliminating Cooper’s position in short order. “Gotcha, Cooper!” Stoll told the deposed museum director after his termination, as Cooper told a reporter for the New York Times. “And it only cost me a campaign contribution.” Stoll, who donated $1,000 to Palin’s mayoral campaign, did not respond to numerous requests for an interview. Palin has blamed budget concerns for Cooper’s departure.
…
Chryson says the door remains open now that Palin is governor. (Palin’s office did not respond to Salon’s request for an interview.) While Palin has been more circumspect in her dealings with groups like the AIP as she has risen through the political ranks, she has stayed in touch.

When Palin ran for governor in 2006, marketing herself as a fresh-faced reformer determined to crush the GOP’s ossified power structure, she made certain to appear at the AIP’s state convention. To burnish her maverick image, she also tapped one-time AIP member and born-again Republican Walter Hickel as her campaign co-chair. Hickel barnstormed the state for Palin, hailing her support for an “all-Alaska” liquefied gas pipeline, a project first promoted in 2002 by an AIP gubernatorial candidate named Nels Anderson. When Palin delivered her victory speech on election night, Hickel stood beaming by her side. “I made her governor,” he boasted afterward. Two years later, Hickel has endorsed Palin’s bid for vice president.

Help keep this crazy unamerican hick yahoo Talibanistafrom get ahold or near the reins of power

On September 20 and 21, I attended services at the church Sarah Palin belonged to since she was an adolescent, the Wasilla Assembly of God. Though Palin officially left the church in 2002, she is listed on its website as “a friend,” and spoke there as recently as June 8 of this year.

I went specifically to see a pastor visiting from Kiambu, Kenya named Thomas Muthee. Muthee gained fame within Pentecostal circles by claiming that he defeated a local witch, Mama Jane, in a great spiritual battle, thus liberating his town from sin and opening its people to the spirit of Jesus.

Muthee’s mounting stardom took him to Wasilla Assembly of God in May, 2005, where he prayed over Palin and called upon Jesus to propel her into the governor’s mansion — and beyond. Muthee also implored Jesus to protect Palin from “the spirit of witchcraft.” The video archive of that startling sermon was scrubbed from Wasilla Assembly of God’s website, but now it has reappeared.

Palin appears onstage ~the 7:00 mark to be anointed “God’s instrument” in government.

I have opponents in this race who do not want to change the Constitution, but I believe it’s a lot easier to change the Constitution than it would be to change the word of the living god. And that’s what we need to do — to amend the Constitution so it’s in God’s standards rather than try to change God’s standards so it lines up with some contemporary view.

This, ladies and gents, is the true voice of the base of the current GOP. Ye reap what ye sow, piggies.

One question: which god are we talking about here? The petulant spoiled brat of the first half of the book or the dirty fucking hippie of the second? Actually, which gawdly book are we talking about? I want the one with the free slurpees and fields of bubble wrap to roll around in.

Update: It looks like the Ayatollah is advocating some very-Jesus friendly sodomy-type activity

You don’t like people from outside the state coming in and telling you what to do with your flag,” the former governor of Arkansas told a crowd in Myrtle Beach, where he was campaigning in advance of the state’s Republican primary on Saturday. “In fact, if somebody came to Arkansas and told us what to do with our flag, we’d tell them what to do with the pole, that’s what we’d do.

I’m pretty sure that shoving objects in body cavities isn’t in either halves of the christ gawd book. On the other hand, a lot of people who read those do seem to unduly obsess themselves over controlling other people’s poles.

The Air Force is preparing for an expanded role in Iraq that could include aggressive new tactics designed to deter Iranian assistance to Iraqi militants, senior Pentagon officials said.

The efforts could include more forceful patrols by Air Force and Navy fighter planes along the Iran-Iraq border to counter the smuggling of bomb supplies from Iran, a senior Pentagon official said. He spoke on condition of anonymity because he was discussing future military plans.

Such missions also could position the Air Force to strike suspected bomb suppliers inside Iraq to deter Iranian agents that U.S. officials say are assisting Iraqi militias, outside military experts said.

Note: this is in addition to making a Naval officer (with specialty in air strikes) head of CENTCOM and the current bullshit whispers about us killing Iranian agents who were mixed in with the Iraqi militias.

Look, they – the authoritarian nutbags in the administration – are going to attack Iran unless we do something about it.

So do something, already.

News Corp., the parent company of book publisher HarperCollins and the FOX network, has canceled publication of the O.J. Simpson book and television special “If I Did It.”

“I and senior management agree with the American public that this was an ill-considered project,” said Rupert Murdoch, News Corp. chairman. “We are sorry for any pain that this has caused the families of Ron Goldman and Nicole Brown Simpson.”

In the book, the one-time football superstar tells how he would have killed his ex-wife Nicole Brown Simpson and her friend Ron Goldman if, in fact, he had done it.

A dozen FOX affiliates had already said they would not air the two-part sweeps month special, planned for next week before the book’s publication.

One station manager who had said he wasn’t airing the special said he was concerned that whether or not Simpson was guilty, he’d still be profiting from murders.

It’s still not going to stop me from running my picture again, though.

What I am talking about are 3 attorneys, 2 of whom are about to be disbarred, for trying to influence judicial proceedings by getting blackmail information on the judge from the judge’s clerk.

The state Board of Bar Overseers has recommended that the Supreme Judicial Court disbar two lawyers accused of using extortion and intimidation in an attempt to discredit a judge, who had ruled against their client in a family feud over assets of the Demoulas Supermarkets chain. The board recommended the suspension of a third lawyer.
…
The disciplinary case against the three lawyers stems from actions they allegedly took in 1997, two years after Massachusetts Superior Court Judge Maria Lopez ruled that the heirs of George Demoulas, a cofounder of the $1.5 billion chain, had been cheated out of millions of dollars by other members of their family. Lopez ordered a massive transfer of assets.

The lawyers, who all worked at various times for the losing side in the case, engaged in an elaborate scheme to get information from Lopez’s law clerk, Paul Walsh , to provide information that would allow them to discredit Lopez and invalidate the judgment, hearing officer M. Ellen Carpenter wrote in her May report.

The men first enticed Walsh with a bogus offer of a dream job, then threatened to harm his career if he did not cooperate with them, Carpenter concluded after lengthy hearings.

From the Board of Overseers Report

In the spring of 1997, Walsh received a call from someone who identified himself as a “headhunter” named Ernest Reid. Reid said he had an “attractive opportunity” that would interest Walsh. Walsh, who had circulated his resume to some of the lawyers for the Demoulas defendants, had encountered difficulties finding a job. At the time of the call, he was working for the law firm of Sullivan, Weinstein & McQuay at an annual salary of $68,000. Walsh was flattered by the call and arranged for Reid to meet him at his home.

There Reid described the job, which paid $90,000 plus benefits, as an in-house position at an international corporation with offices in Bermuda, Boston, and London. The successful candidate would be someone with no history of ethical problems or other skeletons in his closet, who was married and “settled down,” and who had “excellent writing skills.”

No such job existed. Curry and Reid had concocted it as a ruse to pump Walsh for information, and they tailored it to appeal to Walsh’s interests and strengths. It was, as the hearing officer found, “Walsh’s dream job, and they knew it.”

Now, I’m an attorney and I know there are lots of bad jokes about unethical evil attorneys, but still… FSM. This is so far beyond the pale it’s almost inconceivable to me how such a thing could have happened, particularly given the stature of the people involved. What were these guys thinking? Oh wait, I know. I think they were thinking “one point five beeeeeelion dollars.”

The Houston-based preacher said he believes that the Bush administration has delayed the second coming because U.S. foreign policy has blocked Christian missionaries from working in Iraq, Iran and Syria.

“Somebody needs to say enough is enough,” he said to worshippers who stood, waved and called out in support.

…

Paul, who claimed to support conservative political leaders in the past, is launching “a crusade to save America from the wrath of God and Republicans abusing their power,” according to his press materials.

…

“God is mad at this country,” Paul told the congregation. He described the war in Iraq as “unnecessary genocide.”

That’s the danger with courting the rabid dog radicals. Some day, they’re going to turn on you… for not being radical enough.

Result: two FBI raids of Soghoian’s home, including a 2AM smash and grab.

We need to support Soghoian. For his freedom and ours. He has a legal defense fund, if you can I urge you to donate. If you can’t donate, call your congressperson and make sure they know about this case.

Our security should not be a thing of press releases and propaganda. Efforts to point out bvious flaws in the theatre of the absurd should not lead to jail time, but instead thanks and efforts to fix those flaws.

After all, it only takes the President classifying him as someone who supports terrorist activities for Soghoian to find himself being tortured and denied his rights of habeas corpus down in Gitmo.

SHORTLY after the delivery of boy David to Madonna’s London home, she disappeared off down the gym.

…

What should have been a quiet, bonding experience with the Malawian baby of her choice, turned into a circus with convoys of 4x4s racing along dirttracks to the Mission of Hope orphanage where our heroine handed out signed copies of her books.

Let me get this straight – instead of adopting an orphan and giving out food and medicine to the sick, starving, and poor… this alien buys adopts a kid with a still-living father and hands out signed copies of her ghost written books to orphans.

Nice. At least english is an official language of Malawi, so the starving orphans will properly know who to hate.

OK, so she had the full consent of the girl’s father and is donating $3M to the orphanage and filming a documentary there, but c’mon… you think that’s going to get in the way of the story of her handing out signed copies of her books? Besides, she’s always been a narcissist. She revels in it. It’s pretty much her calling card. It’s not like I was calling her a Republican or anything.

The firing of Melanie Martinez, 34, marks the second PBS moral values scandal. The first was the censorship of the “Postcards from Buster” episode last year where Buster the Bunny, who regularly visits families in every episode, went to visit a family with two mommies. Previous families featured in “Postcards” episodes have included Mormons, Hmong and Pentecostal Christians.

Melanie Martinez was fired from her position as host of PBS KIDS Sprout’s “The Good Night Show” because she appeared in two 30-second online films when she was 27, “Technical Virgin” and “Boys Can Wait,” that spoofed abstinence-only education. The PBS ombudsman dedicated two of his columns to voice his opposition to the firing of Melanie, but her job wasn’t saved. Melanie says there is no lawsuit in sight.

The Technical Virgin parodies were genius and not inappropriate (the videos have all been taken down so far as I can tell, or I’d link them). Martinez’ firing is on par with that schoolteacher who was fired for taking a class to a museum where a nude statue was seen. This statue:

© Thomas Hawk

Ooooh, yeah, baby. Can’t you just feel the prurient interests being piqued?

Feel free to sign the petition to PBS about Martinez, though she’s already been replaced.

What the hell is this country coming to?

According to Lieut. Mike Kafka, a spokesman at the headquarters of the Second Fleet, based in Norfolk, Virginia, the Eisenhower Strike Group, bristling with Tomahawk cruise missiles, has received orders to depart the United States in a little over a week. Other official sources in the public affairs office of the Navy Department at the Pentagon confirm that this powerful armada is scheduled to arrive off the coast of Iran on or around October 21.

The Eisenhower had been in port at the Naval Station Norfolk for several years for refurbishing and refueling of its nuclear reactor; it had not been scheduled to depart for a new duty station until at least a month later, and possibly not till next spring. Family members, before the orders, had moved into the area and had until then expected to be with their sailor-spouses and parents in Virginia for some time yet. First word of the early dispatch of the “Ike Strike” group to the Persian Gulf region came from several angry officers on the ships involved, who contacted antiwar critics like retired Air Force Col. Sam Gardiner and complained that they were being sent to attack Iran without any order from the Congress.

I know I’ve written about this before. A bunch. No, really. Tons. Anyway…

I find it hard to believe that this adminstration would blow away the remaining illusions that we are a constitutional republic. I find it hard to believe that they think this is a good idea. I find it hard to believe that they think attacking Iran shortly before the November elections would help their chances (via the inevitable surge in support for the administration that happens with any military action… in addition to vote rigging, electoral fraud, and voter intimidation of course).

But every time I think they’ve reached the pinnacle (nadir?) of their mendacious amorality and sociopathy, they surprise me.

So I’m guessing an airstrike on Isfahan using low-yield nuclear bombs is going to occur on or about 22 October. This will sandblast the cobwebs off of the image of America as anything other than a rogue banana republic, cement the elimination of “America” the ideal, … and will receive absolutely no significant reaction from the sheeple (tm, someone else) of this country.

I have a friend who thinks that there will be riots in the streets and impeachments. I told him he’s living in a world that no longer exists.

Man, I hope I’m wrong.

The Republicans in Congress — and the White House — should be hounded from office for how they have betrayed the military. From Rumsfeld to Cheney to Rice to Bush, we have seen the arrogant abuse of power — to the detriment of the men and women in our armed services. We have seen career military brass hounded out of the service or forced into silence, because they dared to know more than the cardboard cutouts with no combat experience who are running the Bush Administration and Congress.

USA: Maj. General John Batiste’s testimony before Sen. Democratic Policy Committee

I challenge the American people to get informed and speak out. Remember that the Congress represents and works for the people. Congressional oversight committees have been strangely silent for too long, and our elected officials must step up to their responsibilities or be replaced. This is not about partisan politics, but rather what is good for our country. Our November elections are crucial. Every American needs to understand the issues and cast his or her vote. I believe that one needs to vote for the candidate who understands the issues and who has the moral courage to do the harder right rather than the easier wrong. I for one will continue to speak out until there is accountability, until the American people establish momentum, and until our Congressional oversight committees kick into action. Victory in Iraq is fundamental and we cannot move forward until accountability is achieved.

Thank you.

We’ve given you the tools to fight the War On Terror Mr. President but you’re not using them!

::

House approves Iran Freedom Support Act

The House voted Thursday to impose mandatory sanctions on entities that provide goods or services for Iran’s weapons programs. The vote came as U.S diplomats continued to press the U.N. Security Council to penalize Tehran if it fails to end its uranium enrichment program.

House sponsors of the Iran Freedom Support Act said they had hoped for Senate action as early as Thursday night, sending it to President Bush for his signature. But they said there was resistance from Senate Democrats to passing it without a debate.

The bill, passed by a voice vote, sanctions any entity that contributes to Iran’s ability to acquire chemical, biological or nuclear weapons. The president has the authority to waive those sanctions, but only when he can show that it is in the vital national interest.

Reading the article, my question is – if these are codifying the sanctions in place for the last 27 years… why now? Why voice vote only? What possible reason could you have for creating a false urgency for a situation that will be at least 10 years in the making?

This totally doesn’t remind me of the runup to Iraq. At all. For one, they’re not releasing bullshit “intelligence” leaks of the DANGER we are in. Where are the anthrax-spraying drones/barnstormers?

Shit, if we’re going to nuke a country without pretext, causus belli, a declaration of war, or any rational justification, at least give me a fucking show.

Sweet. I wonder if he covers the plagiarism of Ann the Man or when she was dumped or was one-upped by Adam freakin Carolla.

According to Lieut. Mike Kafka, a spokesman at the headquarters of the Second Fleet, based in Norfolk, Virginia, the Eisenhower Strike Group, bristling with Tomahawk cruise missiles, has received orders to depart the United States in a little over a week. Other official sources in the public affairs office of the Navy Department at the Pentagon confirm that this powerful armada is scheduled to arrive off the coast of Iran on or around October 21.

The Eisenhower had been in port at the Naval Station Norfolk for several years for refurbishing and refueling of its nuclear reactor; it had not been scheduled to depart for a new duty station until at least a month later, and possibly not till next spring. Family members, before the orders, had moved into the area and had until then expected to be with their sailor-spouses and parents in Virginia for some time yet. First word of the early dispatch of the “Ike Strike” group to the Persian Gulf region came from several angry officers on the ships involved, who contacted antiwar critics like retired Air Force Col. Sam Gardiner and complained that they were being sent to attack Iran without any order from the Congress.

And you know what? From a military standpoint… sending in our capital ships into a narrow waterway against an enemy with hundreds of modern, fast (Mach 3+) antiship missiles sounds like a really bad idea. And that’s just one aspect of this insane, illegal drumbeat to war that’s still building.

This time, they’re not even going to cover it with a figleaf of lies, halftruths, or justifications. Caligula pt. 2 is just going to do it, and to hell with the lives of our brave soldiers.

Impeachment proceedings are too good for these people.

A few notes:
one, this administration is dangerous and crazy. By “crazy” I mean “sociopaths disconnected from reality who should be institutionalized… also, prosecuted.”

two, the Cheney administration thinks that an attack on Iran is justified, will be supported, will be effective, and will be easy. Just like Iraq, only this time none of those milquetoast CIA analysts will be involved. Flowers and candy for everyone!

three, current DoD war plans call for the American use of nuclear weapons

four, when (if, for the optimists) we launch an unprovoked attack on Iran, we are going to get our asses kicked. Not only our our ships in the gulf sitting ducks for the advanced missiles the Iranians can rain down on them, but all of our troops in Baghdad will have their supply lines cut as the Iranian-backed Iraqis decimate our supply lines. It’s going to be a combination of the Berlin Airlift/Dien Bien Phu and Pearl Harbor and the Italian expierience in Ethiopia 1936 all rolled into one.

five, we have no causus belli. There are no circumstances that would make an attack Just.

We are living under, and supporting by our mere participation in, an illegal, psychotic, rogue regime. That it comes in the trappings of three-piece suits, a yankee with an affected Texas accent, and is wrapped in the red, white, and blue does not make it any less true that our country has become an autocratic regime. Attacking Iran makes no sense strategically, tactically, or even logically (to those of the reality-based community).

I should probably note that I don’t think any sort of attack on Iran is feasible. Which is to say, we can send planes with bombs, but boots on the ground? Not so much. What’s more is that I think the Iranians would/could/should send their Iraqi agents (read: Sadr, et. al.) to attack as soon as they see our carrier group moving in, thus eliminating any chance of us actually attacking Iran as we dealt with a catastrophe in Iraq. Gilliard also has this scenario. That would be Just. It’s also exactly what I would do. Best of all for the Iranians, they’re using cold war proxy tactics against us.

We are a banana republic with nukes.

We have been kidnapped by bloodthirsty delusional megalomaniacs.

May FSM forgive us all.

Question: if they are worshipping both the flag and George W. Bush at “Jesus Camp” … doesn’t that violate the first commandment and nonpartisan religious activity tax laws?

Hey, who doesn’t want to indoctrinate our youths into being sociopathic “warriors for Christ” robots and then conflate Christ with the State? I don’t see any problems with that at all. That’s never going to lead to anything bad, ever.

President Bush said yesterday that he senses a “Third Awakening” of religious devotion in the United States that has coincided with the nation’s struggle with international terrorists, a war that he depicted as “a confrontation between good and evil.”

Bartleby’s has details on the other awakenings.

From the amount of news coverage, I think he may have been more popular than Jesus.