This is a joke, right?
This kit is excellent for any girl! Over 50 items enclosed including the Purity Pledge, the Pink Abstinence Card , valuable information on STD’s and your worth as a girl created by God! From nail enamel quick dry spray, a cute polka dot shower cap to nail glue, a pre-threaded sewing kit, and a dual make up sharpener…this kit is for you! Great for going off to College the Birthday Girl or even a COMING OF AGE gift for when she finally gets her period.
So… you get the purity thing, go to a formal ball with daddy where you recite a creepy pledge of your vagina to your father as his property to do with as he pleases (supposedly to give away, but we all know how that works out), but then what? I’m assuming the vagina dentata is in there at some point as well as the more feudal chastity belt… but then what?
And what does purity have to do with a nail enamel quick dry spray or a cute polka dot shower cap? Should you even be taking showers? I mean, to take showers, you have to be nekkid. Presumably. Is there are purity prophylactic for the shower time so you bitches don’t see your own daaaaangerous nekkidness? Maybe a Purity blindfold? Mix the purity blindfold with the pledge to daddy and you’ve got the makings of some serious spin the bottle times.
Oh, and by “survivor” in the product name above, they do not mean of rape or molestation, as one might assume. Nor do they mean someone who survived the Holocaust. No, they mean … well, I’m not sure really, but I think it has something to do with being a shitty driver. Or possibly a narcoleptic. Or both.
See, I don’t not want a daughter only because of the looming nightmare of their teenage years and predatory 30 year old accountants – no! – I also don’t want them to have to grow up in a world where they have to fight this malevolent, ignorant, self-hateful bullshit every day. My hat’s off to you wimmin for making the development of homocidal maniacs of your gender the exception rather than the rule.
Update: I was going to end there, but then I kept following stuff about the Purity Balls and pledges and shit and then OMFG. What is up with these people? (Dobson-fueled Focus on the Family, of course)
Katie giggles as she waits for her date to come around and open the car door. The pair enters an ice cream shop. She sits down at the table as her date gently pushes in her chair. He takes her hand from across the table and asks, “What flavor would you like tonight, Sugar?” Katie smiles and says, “I’ll have chocolate, Daddy.”More and more fathers are becoming aware of their influence and regularly dating their daughters.
“The research clearly says that daddies make all the difference in the world,” says Kevin Leman, national speaker and author of What a Difference Daddy Makes. “I have tremendously more impact on my daughter than my wife does.”
Did everyone else out there just vomit in their mouths a little bucketload? Yeeeesh.
