Obviously we have to nuke them now
China Attempted To Blind U.S. Satellites With Laser
China has fired high-power lasers at U.S. spy satellites flying over its territory in what experts see as a test of Chinese ability to blind the spacecraft, according to sources.
It remains unclear how many times the ground-based laser was tested against U.S. spacecraft or whether it was successful.
But the combination of China’s efforts and advances in Russian satellite jamming capabilities illustrate vulnerabilities to the U.S. space network are at the core of U.S. Air Force plans to develop new space architectures and highly classified systems, according to sources.
INT. COFFIN.
Cheney is lying in his coffin/bed/office staring angrily at the Faux news television report of a laser and flying ninja hamster attacks on our satellites by the People’s Republic of China. A bit of saliva drops from Cheney’s open mouth and SIZZLES as it burns a hole in the red satin flooring. Spittle from his mouth burns holes in the walls as he becomes increasingly enraged.
DICK CHENEY
Fucking chinks. Who the fuck do they think they are? How dare they?! How dare they? Fuck me, yellow man? No. Fuck you!
EXT. GOLF COURSE MESQUITE RANCH. DAY.
Bush is gazing off into the distance, sun lighting his face. One hand holds a secure phone with a sticker of Rambo on it. The red secure phone RINGS.
GEORGE W. BUSH
yyyyyello! President-o supremo here.
DICK CHENEY (O.C., filtered)
Enough fucking around with these jacknapes. We must nuke them! Now! Launch! Launch! Launch!
GEORGE W. BUSH
The what?
DICK CHENEY (O.C., filtered)
Jack. Napes.
GEORGE W. BUSH
Them rabbits with the horns?
DICK CHENEY (O.C., filtered)
No, you- … your eminence. The Chinese. They’re attacking our satellites! With lasers! and Hamsters!
GEORGE W. BUSH
Hamsters! Just can’t trust them orientals, can you? ‘specially if you’re a fat dog. Heh heh heh. OK, Dick. Let’s show those slopes how Americans deal with aggression. Dead or alive! Heh heh heh.
DICK CHENEY (O.C., filtered)
You have made the correct choice, Mr. … President.
Bush hangs up and presses BIG RED BUTTON next to phone. CLICK. RUMBLE. Screen shakes. WHOOSH.
GEORGE W. BUSH
Now watch this drive.
(you’ll have to excuse the formatting, I’m working on a way to get screenplay formatting to merge well with WP. And for those that don’t know, or those that are about to shell out hundreds of bucks on screenwriting software, Celtx is both Open Source (free as in speech) and free (as in costs-no-money); using much of the Mozilla code (including the new calendar/Sunbird stuff). It does export some ugly HTML, though, so you’ll want to be careful before copy-pasting that shizzle into your blog. PRE tags with the text output is the quickest way, but not the prettiest.)
